love. I was always taught, you dont fall in love...you grow into it...
This time last year is when it all started. Or I guess you could call it the beginning of the beginning. I remember it because it was free donuts day. Keith and heading off to go to South East Asia on a missions trip with Pioneers. He would be gone for about 2 months. We did not think we would be able to talk at all, and email would be minimal, if any. He was going to be traveling constantly around the country they were visiting and I would never know where. Keith was super excited about the trip, and I was excited for him. We also and discussed that during our time a part we were going to really seek God about marriage, and if this was "it." And if it was IT we need to as my best friend says, "poop or get off the pot:)"
Keith and I stayed up very late the night before talking and enjoying our last hours together face to face. I drove Keith to pionner headquarters where he would meet up with his team. As I dropped keith off and said goodbye, I remeber being so nervous trying to decide if I would tell him I loved him. Now I had never told keith I loved him. I had never told anyone for that matter that I loved them. This was a BIG deal to me. I decided young in life I did not want to just give my love away to many, but only to my husband, and idealy on the idea we were enaged. After 2+ years of dating, it gets a little extreme.
So I remeber standing by my car freaking out if I am going to tell him or not. He told me over a year ago. He was not scared of the L word. I was DESPERATELY scared of the L word.
I did not tell him that day I loved him. Fast forward 5 days. Keith has been in training and has been on 2 plane rides. He is sitting in the middle seat on his international flight getting ready to fly 12 hours. Right as he is about to turn his cell phone off...I say it.
My heart is pounding and I am sweating all over. He tells me, "I love you amanda" I say thanks like I normally do and chit chat to try and get up the nerve to say it back...right as he is about to hang up from our last conversation in who knows how long, I say it: "hey keith...umm....i love you too"
WHHHHHHHHHHHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Keith at this point is freaking out. He is like a peice of choclate in a warm hand. He is all giddy and googly....and so am I. So I start rambling, saying, how Ive wanted to say it for a while, and I really do mean it. And I thought about it, and I would regret not telling him before he left and alllll this stuff:) At this point keith has to hang up the phone, but neither of us wants to hang up. Keith must have sounded phyco sitting in the middle of two people!!! haha.
So keith is gone for 2 months. It was a wonderfully hard summer for both of us. We both grew wonders in our relationship with the Lord. God took us both on a journey that summer. And that journey ended in the same spot for both of us. I learned sooo much about trusting God no matter what. And Keiths heart grew so much in compassion and love for the nations. However, both of us learned that we did not want to spend any more time apart. And we wanted to spend the rest of our lives: Together!
Keith gets back to the States while I am visiting family. So when we see eachother, it is actually him picking me up from the airport. As I prepare to see him, I am so nervous. As to keith request, I wrote him a song during the 2 months we were apart. One line is, "Your the man I imagine stading at the alter" or somthign like that. Basically telling him, your it for me. Now, for most couple after dating 2+ years it would be obvious. But not for me, I am sooo guarded. I did not want to give my heart away. I was so scared of giving my heart away and it not working out, or getting hurt, or getting rejected. I held my heart so tight, and only gave pieces away when I chose. When I felt safe. I am NOT saying this is healthy! haha.
So as I fly from Colorado back to Florida. I am so upset because I am leaving my family which I adore...and if anyone knows me, then they know I am OBSESSED with my FAMILY.
So I am on the plane about to land in Orlando. About to see my boyfreind for the first time in 2 months. I have not told him I loved him since that day back on June 4th.
Now, this decend into Orlando was a life changing decend. I am praying and thinking about Keith. And I almost audibly hear God say, "Amanda its time to let go. You need to give your heart away completely. Its okay." At this point I realize, okay, its time to not hold anything back. Its time to let the gates open and Love. Really truly love. I have always been so scared of love.
So my plane lands and I am beyond nervous and feeling akward. I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and touch up my make up:) (My cousin snuck me her mascara because I said I lost mine...she said she wanted me to feel so beautiful for when I saw him!!)
As I walk out...there he is. Smiling like a goof. I see a pillar and I desperately want to run behind it. I was scared and awkward. I am so bad at physical affection. My cousins were preparing me for seeing him. In my mind every time it goes so well, I run up to him we hug and spin and kiss with out a care in the world. However, my mind is not reality. In reality I am sooooo awkard. So I WALK up to him and put my arms around him and FORCE myself to keep my arms around him. He is one goggly mess, so excited to see me. And so in LOVE:) hehe. I am still guarded and nervous. (I have so many akward airport stories with me and guys)
Well, I WANTED to run up to him and tell him I loved him, but it couldnt come out. Keith parked on the top of the parking garage. While we are on the top of the garage I convince him to stop and look at the stars with me. After about 1o minutes of stalling and hugging...I look him in the eye and say, "I love you Keith."
I said it. Wow. And it felt so good. After I said it, it was like a FLOOD GATE of feelings and emotions ran out of me. It was like I got to "feel" what Love is, if it has a feeling. (I do not belive love is a feeling...but that is for another blog)
So needless to say, that night we did not want to say goodnight. We were two young kids in love. He told me prayed over the summer and did not want to be apart any longer....and basically told me he wanted to marry me...for the first time EVER! (We did not want to talk about it too much before we were engaged.)
The next day was Natalie's birthday party and I was BEYOND on cloud nine. I was sooooooooooooo excited.
I had never felt so free. I was no longer burden with the fear. Now, thats not to say fear and doubt did not creap in many times in the months to come. But those next few weeks were filled with so much joy and love.
On our first date after we said I love you, I told him I felt like we were flirting with eachother and so giddy! I could not belive I had found the man I would marry! The man I would spend the rest of our lives together. The man I could and should love without holding back.
Well that the middle of our love story. And it is still being written. Here is what happened after I leaped into love:
A month and a half later he did this:
And 4 months after that we did this:
Oh and he WAS the man at the end of the aisle:Beaming.
Edit: I read this tonight:
Philippians 1:9-11 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
1 Thessalonians 3:12 May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you.
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